Author: Cindy Engelstad B.A. ICF
Self-compassion is something many of us have a hard time cultivating and accessing. We will make excuses for others, give them numerous chances, and are often willing to give them the benefit-of-the-doubt. When it comes to ourselves, the same rules don’t seem to apply. We rarely think about showing ourselves kindness or treating ourselves like we would treat a good friend. This lack of self-compassion can negatively impact our in lives in multiple ways including when working on eating disorder recovery.
The number-one reason people give for why they are not more self-compassionate is the fear that they will be too easy on themselves. Many of us have received messages throughout our lives that in order to succeed and accomplish our goals, we need to punish and drive ourselves with inner harsh judgment and self-criticism. What research actually shows is that harsh self-criticism activates the threat defence part of our nervous system and when that happens, we’re more likely to move toward “fight-flight-freeze” responses.
It is worth considering whether self-criticism is actually the great motivator it’s said to be. Research shows that self-critics are much more likely to be anxious and depressed and they also have lower self-confidence in their abilities, which undermines their potential for success. It’s been found that self-criticism can lead to a fear of failure, meaning that self-critics may not even try achieving their goals because the possibility of failure is unacceptable and scary. Individuals with strong inner-critics can also have a hard time seeing themselves clearly and identifying needed areas of improvement because they know the inner self-punishment and judgement that will happen.
Compassion on the other hand is concerned with the alleviation of suffering. While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be nurtured and supported. Self-compassion recognizes that failure is not only inevitable, but it’s also our best teacher, something to be explored rather than avoided at all costs. Self-compassion also allows us to acknowledge areas of personal weakness by recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. We can then work on improving ourselves, not because we’re unacceptable as we are, but because we want to thrive and experience a full life.
These are not just ‘nice’ ideas. There is an ever-increasing body of research that confirms the motivational power of self-compassion. Many studies have been completed on the emotional and psychological factors that contribute to disordered eating and the effect that cultivating self-compassion has on recovery. It has been found that self-compassion as a form of self-directed care, can be a valuable tool in interrupting the cycle of the eating disorder. Self-compassion is not the same as being “easy" on ourselves, but instead it is a way of nurturing ourselves so that we can reach our full potential.
So how do we go about cultivating self-compassion in a world that has taught us that the way to succeed and get things done is to be critical, judgmental and harsh on ourselves?
Notice when you are judging yourself: You wouldn’t feel supported and loved by someone that was constantly judging you and it is hard to be compassionate toward yourself if you are judging yourself at the same time. Simply begin to acknowledge your present thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judging them one way or the other.
Start forgiving yourself: Forgive yourself for what you did years ago, months ago, weeks ago, days ago, and even seconds ago. Every person has missteps and ineffective or unhelpful decisions and behaviours that we could hold onto, and we often do. Doing so creates and internalizes feelings of shame, guilt, and self-criticism, none of which are helpful in eating disorder recovery. It might feel strange or uncomfortable at first, but letting go of your past and forgiving yourself will help you to work toward having empathy for yourself, just as you would for another. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that we don’t learn from the past, but it means that we are able to see ourselves as imperfect people who can make mistakes and who are also worthy of forgiveness.
Become friends with your inner self: Get to know yourself - without the ED voice and without the judgments of your inner critic or others. Get to know the authentic you. The recovered you. How to do this may vary by person, but you might begin exploring your inner self in therapy or through art. Maybe you practice an inner dialogue or write out conversations from your authentic self. You could also free-write in a journal or answer journal prompts that help you to explore your inner thoughts and feelings.
Caring for and about yourself, showing yourself unconditional love, and being empathic and compassionate toward yourself helps to create a firm foundation on which to build your recovery.
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